I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
