He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
