I've blown a few things in my day
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
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