Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
