I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She bit a glass in half.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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