I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
i now understand why vodka
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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