Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
