Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
