$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
