someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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