It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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