I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
