an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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