i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Your penis caused this!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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