Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
