there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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