My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
