It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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