some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
