Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I looked at my own cervix.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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