Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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