3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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