Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
