I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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