This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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