I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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