I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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