i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
