The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Vodka?
Forever.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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