My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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