don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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