My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
