my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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