it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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