That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
