oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Ladies don't puke and tell
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
