I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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