Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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