Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
