i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
where are my eyebrows?
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