i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
