The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I AM VODKA MAN
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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