You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
my liver is dry heaving
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
