I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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