woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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