There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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