I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
