im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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