guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
i've created a new STD.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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