So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
