bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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