At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Everclear isn't food dammit
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
