i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
God I need to hump something, right now.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
